Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Wham, Bam, Thank you Spam!

I get a lot of spam comments on this blog.  Very few of those comments ever see the light of day thanks to Blogger’s spam detection software and comment moderation on older posts.  Those comments that do get through are sent to my e-mail and I quickly delete anything that looks like spam or has Nitmos listed as the author.  Since I have a smartphone I can even do this on the go. These draconian measures are ├╝ber-effective but sometimes I lament that you don’t get to enjoy all of the spam because the spam is very often entertaining in its own right.  Sometimes they even provide me hours of fun as I try to unravel exactly what was meant by the spam comment.  Obviously the bulk of these spam comments are written in another language and then translated into English, which means they’re probably written by foreigners and that’s unfortunate because it just reinforces my belief that foreigners are not to be trusted.

Spam comments are kind of like that episode of Friends where Joey learns to use a thesaurus.  In the episode he writes a letter changing every word to bigger word with the help of the thesaurus until it doesn’t make any sense, which I guess means he didn’t really learn to use a thesaurus after all, but you get my point.  Joey is trying to explain that his friends have big hearts and he ends up writing that they have ‘full-sized aortic pumps’ which sounds like something Mrs. Bigfoot wears with her little black dress.  (You might have to think about that one.)

Anyway, if you get spam all day, every day like I do here’s a fun little game you can play; try to reverse-engineer the sentence to figure out what the comment originally said before it was run over by a thesaurus or online translator.  If you don’t get any spam then you can play along with the comment below that I received, but before you do I’d like to point out that you’re obviously not as important as I am since you’re not inundated with spam like I am.  I assure you that I did not make up or edit the following comment in any way.  Note: underlined words are the ones that need to be changed.   
I unceasingly dig reading dignity articles by an singular who is simply up to snuff on their chosen subject. I’ll be watching this string with much interest. Conserve up the spacious produce, dream of you next occasionally Singapore escort [link redacted].
Here’s what I’ve come up with so far:
I always like reading important articles by an individual who is clearly knowledgeable in their field.  I’ll be watching this thread with much interest.  Keep up the great work, imagine yourself alongside a rare Singapore whore. 
OK, I’ll admit that the whore substitution at the end was just for fun,* but that has to be close to what they were going for, right?  I still can’t quite get the last half of that final sentence, but the highlight of it for me is ‘conserve up the spacious produce’ because I can totally picture someone trying to make ‘keep up the great work’ sound smarter and coming up with that phrase.  I think that ‘conserve up the spacious produce’ just jumped up to number two on my list of favorite phrases, right behind bingo bango bongo.

* If I had a nickel for every time I’ve uttered the phrase “the whore substitution at the end was just for fun” then I’d have $22 right now, but only because I have $21.90 in my pocket already. 

17 comments:

  1. Sadly, I am unimportant, hence I will have to live vicariously through your SPAM exploits.

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  2. Spacious produce, is that like a hollowed-out gourd?

    You coming back to blogging is how I imagine it would be to emerge from cryogenic freeze. You still think your cultural reference are hip, but everyone just looks at you with pitying eyes. Seriously, Friends?

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  3. Although it makes me feel dirty (not in a good way), I have to agree with Viper.

    However, I will give you credit for your Princess Bride-inspired blog labels.

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  4. One of my favorite spam comments on my blog went something like, "This is by far the worst blog I have ever read. Where do you get off writing this kind of nonsense. Seriously, you should consider quitting right now. [link to sex site omitted]." It was soooooo funny (after I convinced myself that it was an actual spam comment, which I am just sure it was). :-)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Your internet destination is topped off with excrement. I credit you for efforting.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Where do I sign up for spam? I've been lurking for a while and think you're quite entertaining.

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  7. I knew there was a reason to keep your blog on my favorites bar - I knew you'd be back. I'm training for Colorado Marathon and need all the laughs I get while training in the winter!

    ReplyDelete
  8. thanks for the Friends recap

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  9. How in the world do you get so much spam?? Definitely thinking this needs to be a weekly blog feature...

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  10. How in the world do you get so much spam?? Definitely thinking this needs to be a weekly blog feature...

    ReplyDelete
  11. I am training for the Southern Indiana Classic Marathon in April.
    I have started a blog to document my progress. You can keep the spam!
    but I would appreciate any questions, comments, critiques, etc.
    http://fitatfifty-art.blogspot.com/
    Thanks
    Art

    ReplyDelete
  12. hey hey, congrats for being nominated as one of the "Best Running Blogs 2011" hope to read many more of your fantastic running stories. sending you greetings from Malaysia...

    ReplyDelete
  13. hey hey, congrats for being nominated as one of the "Best Running Blogs 2011" hope to read many more of your fantastic running stories. sending you greetings from Malaysia...

    ReplyDelete
  14. hey hey, congrats for being nominated as one of the "Best Running Blogs 2011" hope to read many more of your fantastic running stories. sending you greetings from Malaysia...

    ReplyDelete
  15. hey hey, congrats for being nominated as one of the "Best Running Blogs 2011" hope to read many more of your fantastic running stories. sending you greetings from Malaysia...

    ReplyDelete
  16. hey hey, congrats for being nominated as one of the "Best Running Blogs 2011" hope to read many more of your fantastic running stories. sending you greetings from Malaysia...

    ReplyDelete
  17. hey hey, congrats for being nominated as one of the "Best Running Blogs 2011" hope to read many more of your fantastic running stories. sending you greetings from Malaysia...

    ReplyDelete

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