Monday, June 8, 2009

He did what?

So recently I put up a post called Rundom Thoughts wherein I posted some random thoughts and I guess some dickwad decided that posting random thoughts was his thing and that I was stealing his bit, even though Rundom Thoughts is a much cooler name than Randumbery and my post was way funnier. Personally, I think a lot of blogs post random thought type of posts and I think that the aforementioned toolbag is way outta’ line here because you can’t call dibs on being the only blogger that gets to post random thoughty type posts, plus I bet someone else was doing it before he was.

Anyway this schmuck then went and commenced nothing less than an ACT OF WAR against this fine upstanding site that uses only completely original ideas and never ever uses ideas from other blogs when he posted a running celebrities post which is totally MY THING! It’s not like some lame Randumbery post that no one really likes anyway, it’s my signature post. Well, do you think that I am going to take this lying down? Hell and No!

But enough about my petty confrontations with other bloggers, I’m sure I’ll take action in due course. Right now though, I’d like to tell you all about how I’ve been coaching my son’s colt’s soccer team. Here’s a picture of me with the team just so you know I’m not making this up.

Fake smiles because they’re not really having fun.

My son colt ended up being the leading scorer with 17 goals in a 7 game season. Unfortunately this wasn’t quite up to my standards and so, this one time... [insert witty, but borderline child abuse story here.]

A group of my friends* decided that all our kids should be on a soccer team together, the league said that there was room for a team but there was no coach so we’d have to provide our own coach. Guess who got the honor of ‘volunteering’ to be coach? The handsome runner who grew up in England playing soccer and charming the young lasses, that’s who.

At the first practice I screamed at the kids until I was red in the face, we** ran suicides, we ran the bleachers, we did up-downs and we didn’t get to touch a soccer ball until we had proved that we were willing to sacrifice for the good of the coach’s win-loss record. If I was going to be miserable then I wasn’t going to be the only one. I even had to publicly humiliate the shy, taciturn (+4 word score) little girl in pigtails because she kept asking to use the potty. Not on my time, sweetie! Many of the parents appreciated what I was doing, I could tell from the aghast looks on their faces that they were as disgusted as I was by the complete lack of ball skills that any of these 5 year olds possessed. What is this the Special Olympics? (Boom goes the Presidential insult!)

At the end of the season I think we all grew a little; I grew a little more cynical and the kids grew a little more fearful, which is a useful emotion for them to possess.

Also, I want to mention that I really hate llamas. Man, are those creatures annoying.

* I use the word ‘friends’ here loosely because real friends wouldn’t pressure you into coaching their talentless, inept kids. Real friends would also buy the coach a parting gift after a 6-1 season. I’m just sayin’.

** When I say ‘we’ I mean that in the sense that I issued the orders and they did the drills. I didn’t do the drills with them because I wasn’t the two-left-footed moron that couldn’t follow simple instructions to bend the ball into the top corner of the goal! Gah! How am I supposed to work with these saps?


  1. You forgot to include running stats in teeny print at the bottom of your post. Happy trails.

  2. This is like a glove-slapping challenge to a duel but with wet noodles. You both need to up the ante though if you want this to be entertaining for us.

  3. Stupid llamas!

    I sit patient, awaiting the inevitable smackdown against that "other" blogger.

  4. I'm glad your coaching was able to mold those little layabouts into a formidable opponent on the field.

    That generation is so lazy and worthless that it takes an iron hand to get them to do anything right...

  5. 1) To whom are you referring? I refuse to click on the links and you're being too ambiguous (+3pts.)

    2) How the hell did you get Beckham to volunteer to coach the team? I just assumed from your description.

  6. So, this is how we'll play it, eh? I'll have you know that I'm used to insulting people and not sticking around long enough for a response so this is a new experience for me. Commence filing of the sarcastic barbs...

    By the way, I believe that is the Special Olympics. At least, judging by the big kid in the navy blue on the far left.

    You are right about one thing: Llamas do suck.

  7. Of course your kid was the leading scorer. Of course.

  8. I'd like to Coach High School Basketball and use only plays and techniques seen in the movie Hoosiers.

    I'm sure kids today would love it when I come into practice, toss the basketball out of the gym and let them run for the first two weeks.

    Then we would practice the "Picket Fence" play until the guys could no longer stand.

  9. As long as you don't start wearing skirts in races, this is all fine by me.

  10. Feet Meet @$$!

    Way to kick some!

    Or be kicked. It's all good. I don't care. I don't have a dog in this fight.

    That I know of. Does "taciturn" mean something about me? Something bad?

  11. Wait, so your son plays on a girls team? I can't believe nitmos let that one go...

    But good for you on the coaching; team parent was all the responsibility I could muster; it only involved cupcakes and medals.

  12. I'm laughing way too much at this. It's like a horrible inside joke. I love it.

  13. HiLARious!!! You can be very Nitmos-esque when you try. So, so, so funny.

  14. Hahahah How very Nitmos of you!

  15. You are the Flip Wilson of blogland. Very funny!

  16. I'm not going to get in the middle of a Vanitmos (your celebrity couple name) fight. Instead, I will point out that with the exception of one, all of those kids look like they could be yours. If that's true, you better damn well coach that team.

  17. Way over my head ; )
    But that picture is so cute! They put boys and girls on the same team?

  18. You can't fool us. Those are real smiles. Nice job, coach.


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