Friday, March 20, 2009

Off Track: Job Opportunities Abound!

Many of you already know that I work in the financial services industry and I imagine that you’re all really jealous because of all the good publicity we’re getting right now. As part of my career in the financial services industry I was at one time required to obtain some special licenses. (I’m being vague on purpose but don’t mess with me, one of them may or may not have been a License to Kill.) The licenses required hours of classroom training followed by extensive memorizing of antiquated legalese, culminating in daylong tests. I no longer need or use the licenses in my current position (which is Senior Director of Awesomeness and Time Mismanagment), but I continue to keep the licenses because there’s a chance that I could need them again if I change my career path (read: get demoted) and I’d hate to have to go through the tests again. The downside to continuing to be licensed is that this is public information and I frequently get junk mail offering me incredible opportunities with huge commissions and zero dignity!

Today I received one that just needed to be shared, but before I share it with you allow me to tell you the path this postcard took to reach me. First, it was mailed to the office where I used to work. It was processed by the mail room and delivered to the receptionist there who knows me and forwarded it via internal mail to my new office location across town. It arrived at the correct building and was delivered to the wrong floor so the 4th floor receptionist walked around to several other floors until she found an assistant on my floor who recognized my name. That assistant gave it to an assistant in my department who then marched into my office with said postcard. The point here being: a lot of people have handled this postcard. At first I wasn’t sure why the assistant was scowling at me and holding my mail by the edges until she dropped it down onto my desk with the postcard right on top.

Holy crap! I felt my cheeks flush red with embarrassment and I stammered “wh-what’s this?” She had already turned to leave, obviously not wanting to discuss the sultry postcard that is covered with an alarming number of smudged fingerprints. (Please be smudged fingerprints, please be smudged fingerprints!) After a few minutes of staring at the postcard I realized there was a caption in the upper left corner, it says:
Hi Ian!
My boss is looking for a competent financial professional to work with qualified prospects in your area who want to buy [redacted]. Not small cases either, average compensation per case is $20,000 - $30,000. More details on the reverse side of this card.
Oh, I’d like to see her reverse side, if you know what I mean. So basically my incentive to inquire about a job there is because there’s a hot receptionist and big bonuses? Oh, I’ll bet she gets a lot of big bonuses, if you know what I mean. I can’t even imagine the kind of sleazebags that would respond to an ad like this, but I suppose I’ll get used to dealing with them as I take on my new position. Oh, I’m going to try a new position, if you know what I mean. If that company isn’t being sued for sexual harassment before the year is out, I will be extremely surprised. Oh, I’ll be extremely surprised, if you know what I mean... I don’t know what I mean.


  1. My evil plan is already working...

    I will bring the financial services industry to its knees. Oh wait...

  2. Does she have a brother? If so, I might learn to toggle finances. Or at least balance my checkbook.

  3. Vanilla,
    two words.

    John Bobbit

    Wait, no, not John, I meant Joespeh Cassano of AIG fame.

  4. That is awesome. With that kind of wooing how can you say no?

  5. I'm looking at your rather vague descriptions of your job in the discredited "financial services industry" and I'm marveling that Obama didn't hire you as one of his "financial advisors" since he hired every single other douchebag who was responsible for f*cking the economy up its "reverse side" if you get my drift. So why not you?

    Then I see this:

    I felt my cheeks flush red ...

    And I thought, Hey, you know who else has a red @$$? A Baboon!

    So now it's clear. An ape could do your job and the Obama administration went with the ape instead of you, evidently.

    Next time you interview for a government finance position, throw feces maybe because what could it hurt? Or at least mention that you know Marcy. Her name opens doors.

    (Marcy, you can bet, would not hesitate to throw feces in the same situation.)

  6. Odd coral sash and skanky suit aside, those appear to be some pretty fierce shoes. I'd call her just to see where she bought them.

  7. LMAO! I am rolling because that is so funny! I need to ask my hubby if he got a similar proposition.

  8. hahahahahaha at what Al said...

  9. Your scowling assistant was jealous.

  10. I can picture her running ... bouncy bounce.

  11. Well at least we know what gender they're recruiting ... or sexual orientation, anyways.

  12. Is there a tel #... Do you have to be able to type?


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