Thursday, February 5, 2009

How to Annoy Other Runners

Towards the end of the Rock ‘n’ Roll Arizona Marathon, I sure noticed a lot of annoying runners. Now I’m willing to concede that perhaps I was a little cranky from being so tired, sore and chafed and you probably don’t make the best assessments of others at mile 23 of a 26.2 mile race. Nevertheless there are some things that other runners do that just flat out annoy me. Since I assume that no one wants to intentionally annoy me, I’ve taken the liberty of putting together a list of the things that you all probably do that just annoy the crap out of me. Please try to work on improving yourself for my benefit.

Let’s start with the worst offenders:
Runners who run 4 wide across the street and then all hold hands to finish together. Forget the fact that they’re blocking my way, the blatant lack of competitive spirit in these folks (“Hey, let’s all hold hands and tie!”) is just un-American and borders on being downright French in nature. If you do this, you disgust me. Man, quit being such a sissy!
Runners who are in dire need of medical assistance. These people make me feel guilty, like I’m a bad person for not stopping to help, and I don’t think people should make me feel that way. It’s not very considerate of them. At least I took the extra effort to hurdle you instead of just stepping on you. Man, quit being so needy!
Runners who are faster than me. Annoying! Especially those runners who wait until we’re 20+ miles into the race and then go breezing by at a 7 minute pace. That’s just baffling. If you can run that fast at mile 20 then how is it that you’re only now just passing me 3 hours into this race? Man, quit being so fast!
Runners that swerve a lot. Have you ever run behind someone who does this? It wears me out just watching them meander back and forth across the street, not to mention how difficult it is to pass them. If you ever see anyone doing this, you have my permission to punch them in the back of the head, tell them karma sent you.
Runners that throw their empty Gatorade cups into my path. I swear if you get any of that pink juice on my nice new running shoes I will lose it. Man, quit tossing that crap at my feet!
Runners who are slower than me that take the inside turn on a corner directly in front of me. This is annoying to say the least, and infuriating to say a little bit more. It’s the kind of thing that makes a grown man want to kick a llama in the head. (Come on, someone had to pick up the llama hating torch and run with it, no?) Man, quit getting in my way!
Runners that seem like they want to run with me but insist on being a half step ahead of me. I totally called dibs on this annoying practice. Man, quit stealing my bit!

Though I’m sure there are heaps more annoying things that you all do, I don’t want to overburden you, so just work on these things for now. For my part I will try to be a little more tolerant and I’ll work on some of the things that I do that you might consider annoying: Wearing a disturbingly bright shirt, spitting straight up in the air, running with my arms straight out, making it look easy, and no-look snot rockets.

30 comments:

  1. With the swerving runners aside, for they may simply be on their way to laying down and taking up the mantle of the annoying injured runner, I think this list captures most of the annoying things one may encounter save for those that deal strictly with fashion. The holding hands accross the finish line people should totally be ridiculed by whoever is on the mic announcing names of these saccharinous saps!

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  2. I'm a swerver, but only because I run drunk. My hydration belt has four bottles in it.

    Bottle #1) Gew├╝rztraminer (warm up)
    Bottle #2) Manhattan (replenishing my brown liquor stores)
    Bottle #3) Mai Tai (stimulating the rum gland)
    Bottle #4) Mimosa (cool down)

    That, sir, is how I roll.

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  3. Maybe I'm just precocious, but I find myself annoyed by all these things at shorter distances, too. I'm afraid of what I might do during the last miles of a marathon if someone tries to strike up a conversation with me.

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  4. running a marathon should be like going on a silent retreat: no talking allowed, no beeping gizmos, no metronomes (you know who you are), no cellphone babbling (ESPECIALLY no cellphone babbling). It's like being in a hospital zone. If you have to talk, whisper. but not to me.

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  5. If one of those 'fast runners' has the audacity to say something encouraging like "nice job" as they pass you, karma should be unleashed. Plus, rage can carry you a good half mile when you are tired.

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  6. I have a running pet peave list and everything you listed was on it plus, -Runners that make political statements during a race.

    -Spitters that spit on me

    -People that stop to walk without regard to people behind them

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  7. lmao @ "Thats downright French in nature"

    HA

    E

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  8. Runners that seem like they want to run with me but insist on being a half step ahead of me - are the same runners that are mad at you for drafting.

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  9. I always run on the lines... but I'm with you on the #1, and the #3. Seriously, it's the end of the race, where you getting all your speed.

    And cup throwing is OUT OF CONTROL! throw it down, not over your head and spraying gator all over me! Ahh!

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  10. I thought I was hallucinating when I saw someone race past me at mile 20. Pissed me off.

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  11. For some reason I got really annoyed at a lady who ran with a banana sticking out of that little pocket on the back of her running pants. Eat the banana and move on. Erg

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  12. Since most of you annoyances are based on trying to pass annoying people, I will just go on with my annoying habits since you'll never pass me.

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  13. Thanks for the laugh today... I'm going to print this off before I run a marathon and hand copies to the annoying ones. :)

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  14. Yeah, don't you just hate those slow runners, and those fast runners, and those injured runners, and those swervy runners?

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  15. I had to add one myself..... People who finish extremely long or difficult runs/races and say "I feel great"....kind of makes me wonder why Im feeling like Im going to die....lol

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  16. the blatant lack of competitive spirit in these folks ... is just un-American and borders on being downright French

    ZING!!!1! Take that, France, and, O yeah, welcome back to March, 2003! Looks like some lucky girl (Candis, I'm looking in your direction!) is in line for a "Freedom" kiss tonight if she plays her cards right!

    You know, the looks that guy and that tow-haired little girl behind you are giving you in that arms-straight-out picture are punishment enough. You should therefore be allowed to keep doing that.

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  17. Watched some guy collapse near the finish - only one runner stopped to check him out...
    That's what he gets for trying to pass us |; )
    Bad karma indeed.

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  18. Sorry, dude. I'm a swerver. Over to one side and down the other to pump up the crowd!

    On the other hand, I also wear bright day glow clothing, so we can call it even, right?

    Ok, here's the compromise. We can run together and both launch unguided shot-rockets at the crowd if they give us dirty looks.

    But no holding hands ... that's just GreAtlY wrong. and we both reserve the right to "pawn" each other in the .2 miles.

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  19. I'm with the no chatter person/people. I mean, we all chat for a moment, "good pace," good run," "looking good," etc, then move on, but I had two women who ran behind me going over their entire life stories. It makes me wish I brought my Ipod with me to tune them out, and I don't normally run with an Ipod. I really don't want to hear about their divorce and dating stories for five miles...

    I also don't like when someone says "we're almost there." That really messes with my psyche. Aren't we almost there when we start the race???

    LOL.

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  20. I can't stand those that run 4 deep and hold hands as they are crossing the finish line. RE-DIC-U-LOUS!

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  21. I can't stand the runners that make it a point to squeeze in front of you and then poop their pants. Nothing takes my mind out of the race like having to dodge poop mines. It's like when you are driving on the bumper of some guy on the expressway and he gets mad and turns on his windshield spray and it gets all over your car. Except in this instance, it's poop. And it's not on your car, it's on your shoes. And you stink. And people think that it's YOU that pooped. And no one is going to believe you when you point to the guy with the poop on his shorts.

    Well, I guess they'd have to believe you, then.

    Proof is in the pudding.

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  22. Thank you Cassandra - really well crafted.

    I am a swerver, because it is called running, and just because I'm late getting to the race (always) doesn't mean you people need to be blocking the way so much.

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  23. Thanks for signing up for the FFFK. This will be a great virtual race, with a great honoree.

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  24. I hate when there are people (usually kids) that spring past me, then slow to walk. When I catch up to them (my slow ass pace to their walking) they start to sprint again. OMG! Just pick a fricken pace and RUN!

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  25. I've got a couple of hates...strollers...omg, get a chorous line of strollers going, and it's dodge city for the next two miles: three strollers, then four strollers, then two strollers, then six strollers, and then back to four...it never seemed to stop...jump'n jimminy crickets, I did that whole dodge mess when I played football!
    My second hate is strollers again, but not the ones who pack the path.
    Oh noooooo, no, this has to be the one runner who can not only run with the stroller, but has two kids in the stroller, is telling the kids, "Cheer everyone, let em know they're doing good!" and the kid's dutifully cheer everyone, while this guy runs forward, and politely off to the side so he's not in anyones way, and still passing everyone up!
    Bastage!
    I wanted to play the part of Brutus to his Julius and scream, "Thus to all running tyrrants!"
    Sorry, I had to vent.

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  26. women who have messages on the seats of their pants---this implies they will be faster than me. And they are.

    I spent 10k once running behind some girl who had the word "HOWDY" splayed across her butt. She got mad when guys passing her replied in kind.

    I consider myself a feminist but if you have "HOWDY" painted on your buns you must accept that men will
    1)say "Howdy"
    2)look at your behind with impunity; after all, it is talking to them

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  27. great post...made me laugh out loud...

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  28. What about runners, that grunt and spit as they breath in the second half of a marathon. It's not a camel race.

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  29. I hate it when you get in step with another runner out of nowhere and then they just park right next to you and you can't shake them off without being real obvious.

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