Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Good Heavens!

I’m still running less frequently than the VW Jetta I owned in High School but I think I might be starting to get some motivation back. I don’t have any humorous running related stories to regale you with so I’m resorting to posting excerpts from my grade school writing assignments. Like all of the others that I’ve posted this particular piece was written in my ‘news book’ which was intended for reporting factual stories, and like all of the others it contains no punctuation whatsoever (you’ve been warned, Kristina). All of the entries in this book are mundane chronicles of what I did over the summer or the previous weekend. All of them except the one that follows:

It says:
Good heavens said the postman as he emptied the letter box there is a tiny little letter so he picked it up and it started to grow biger and out poped a cooking pot
No commas were harmed in the creation of this article.

I guess I got tired of just retelling what I did over the weekend, or perhaps I’d had a particularly dull and boring weekend and decided to liven things up a bit. My favorite part is when the cooking pot ‘popes’ out. I wish I knew what it meant to Pope Out. Is it a greeting that you tell someone when you leave, kind of like saying peace out?
“Hey, I’ll see you later man I gotta’ bounce.”
“Alright man, Pope Out!” *thumps chest twice and gives the peace sign*

Or, since the Pope often wears a funny hat, do you Pope Out by wearing a ridiculous hat or by wearing your hat crooked?
“Hey have you seen Brian?”
“Yeah, that’s him over there with the Poped Out hat.”

Sometimes I forget to zip my fly and my junk popes out of my shorts. Whatever the meaning, I’m going to try and use it a lot this week to see if I can figure out the most appropriate use for it.

Housekeeping - “... you want me fluff pillow?”
A couple of housekeeping matters. First, the new Laugh Tracks Podcast is available featuring me, Raz, and Nitmos. You can check it out at Runners’ Lounge or on iTunes. Second, don’t forget to enter the contest for a free pair of Pearl Izumis in the post below, right now your odds of winning are somewhere around 1 in 100, which is better than your odds of ever finding a tpyo in a post here at Half-Fast. See how easy that was!


  1. Man, the Pope just keeps getting in the news (if this blog ranks as a news site, which by your childhood ambitions perhaps is not too much of a stretch).

    Pope Out!

  2. Is the mailbox our souls and the letter represents our sins that get bigger until the Pope puts them in a cooking pot and makes a Sin Quiche? Were your childhood thoughts that deep? Or are these just lunatic ramblings foreshadowing your current personality profile? And do you make a quiche with a cooking pot?

  3. "good heavens!"
    tears, tears of laughter...

  4. Your writing used to be so amusing.

  5. Your spelling was so impeccable, the poped MUST have been intentional. Perhaps you slyly intended for it to be ambiguous whether the missing letter was a "p" or an "o"?

  6. The slightly yet unmistakably gayish diction of your childhood essay betrays the fact that you were raised in England. "Good heavens!" is pretty much the British version of "FAAAAHHH-bulous!!" isn't it? Plus, the alarmingly tumescent letter has a distinct "Vanilla Thru The Looking Glass" vibe to it, suggesting the essay may've been written under the influence of a different, non-cooking, type of "pot" - which explains why the story is, like Coleridge's "Kubla Khan", unfinished ... or "half-baked", hmm? Mr. Half-fast? Young Vanilla was a joker, and a smoker and a mightnight toker, wasn't he?

    Wonder how the Pearl Izumis foax will feel about that, Mr. Michael Phelps -er, I mean, Vanilla?

  7. Why does this sound like the beginning of a porn movie as envisioned by a whacked out little child? Also, why does this not surprise me?

  8. Came here as a friend linked to your shoes post below, and you made me laugh. Thank you.

    Now I have to find a hat I can Pope Out.

  9. Did Xenia send you a popener?

  10. it looks like the line "and punch and pie was served" was erased. That is too bad, it would have made the story.


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