It was cold this morning when I left for my run, but running in the cold brings with it the joy of a runny nose. Why is a runny nose a joy? Because of all the snot rockets I get to fire during my run. If I ever get lost on a cold weather run I’m confident that I’ll be able to find my way home by using the Hansel and Gretel approved method of following the trail of Vanilla snot that can be found on various street signs and lampposts. That is, of course, assuming that the creatures of the forest don’t eat my “breadcrumbs”.
The snot rocket (or farmer’s blow) is an essential tool of the cold weather runner and if you don’t yet know how to perform this maneuver then it is high time you learned. Whatever you do, don’t follow Viper’s lead as his trail would apparently lead around his shirt and back to his shoulder.
If you’re an amateur snot-rocketeer (not to be confused with a Mouseketeer) then you’ll want to hone your skills when stopped at a crosswalk because it’s much easier to perform the snot rocket while standing still. Also, there are usually more people to witness your snot rocket at an intersection and that’s a good thing because this is a highly difficult and highly attractive endeavor. I mean, for me it just doesn’t get any sexier than a sweaty runner chick blasting snot rockets on a cold winter’s day.
Those of you who are veteran snot-rocketeers can perform this maneuver on the run. Here’s how you do it. First, you give a quick check over your shoulder to make sure there isn’t a cyclist barreling past you (or if you don’t like cyclists then wait until there is one). Turn to face over your right shoulder and tilt your head back a little. Breathe in through your mouth and plug your left nostril with your left index finger and then... FIRE!! “Bogey 1 is down, I repeat, Bogey 1 is down!”
Next, turn to the other side and acquire your next target. Plug the other nostril, wait until you get missile tone (not to be confused with mistletoe - you should never fire a snot rocket whilst under mistletoe, it would really catch your partner off guard and it’s totally disgusting) and then: Fire 2! Fire 2! “Bingo, that’s a direct hit, Bogey 2 is splashdown! Yehaw! Jester’s dead!”
“This is Mustang to Vanilla, can you get visual confirmation that the target has been destroyed?”
“That’s affirmative Mustang. Zero survivors, zero collateral damage.”
Collateral damage is not just a bad Schwarzenegger movie, it’s what happens when you misfire and get snot all over your pants or shoes, also often referred to as friendly fire. As you practice your snot rocketeering you may find that you get the occasional Stage 5 Clinger and these can be wiped on the bottom of your shirt. Avoid wiping these on the back of your sleeve, especially if you are prone to mopping the sweat off your forehead with the back of your sleeve. That’s a rookie mistake that you’ll only make once. Trust me. Before you know it you’ll become so proficient that you will fire snot rockets into the break room trashcan from the other side of the room. It’s a really neat party trick and a great conversation starter.