Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The Art of the Snot Rocket

It was cold this morning when I left for my run, but running in the cold brings with it the joy of a runny nose. Why is a runny nose a joy? Because of all the snot rockets I get to fire during my run. If I ever get lost on a cold weather run I’m confident that I’ll be able to find my way home by using the Hansel and Gretel approved method of following the trail of Vanilla snot that can be found on various street signs and lampposts. That is, of course, assuming that the creatures of the forest don’t eat my “breadcrumbs”.

The snot rocket (or farmer’s blow) is an essential tool of the cold weather runner and if you don’t yet know how to perform this maneuver then it is high time you learned. Whatever you do, don’t follow Viper’s lead as his trail would apparently lead around his shirt and back to his shoulder.

If you’re an amateur snot-rocketeer (not to be confused with a Mouseketeer) then you’ll want to hone your skills when stopped at a crosswalk because it’s much easier to perform the snot rocket while standing still. Also, there are usually more people to witness your snot rocket at an intersection and that’s a good thing because this is a highly difficult and highly attractive endeavor. I mean, for me it just doesn’t get any sexier than a sweaty runner chick blasting snot rockets on a cold winter’s day.

Those of you who are veteran snot-rocketeers can perform this maneuver on the run. Here’s how you do it. First, you give a quick check over your shoulder to make sure there isn’t a cyclist barreling past you (or if you don’t like cyclists then wait until there is one). Turn to face over your right shoulder and tilt your head back a little. Breathe in through your mouth and plug your left nostril with your left index finger and then... FIRE!! “Bogey 1 is down, I repeat, Bogey 1 is down!”

Next, turn to the other side and acquire your next target. Plug the other nostril, wait until you get missile tone (not to be confused with mistletoe - you should never fire a snot rocket whilst under mistletoe, it would really catch your partner off guard and it’s totally disgusting) and then: Fire 2! Fire 2! “Bingo, that’s a direct hit, Bogey 2 is splashdown! Yehaw! Jester’s dead!”
“This is Mustang to Vanilla, can you get visual confirmation that the target has been destroyed?”
“That’s affirmative Mustang. Zero survivors, zero collateral damage.”

Collateral damage is not just a bad Schwarzenegger movie, it’s what happens when you misfire and get snot all over your pants or shoes, also often referred to as friendly fire. As you practice your snot rocketeering you may find that you get the occasional Stage 5 Clinger and these can be wiped on the bottom of your shirt. Avoid wiping these on the back of your sleeve, especially if you are prone to mopping the sweat off your forehead with the back of your sleeve. That’s a rookie mistake that you’ll only make once. Trust me. Before you know it you’ll become so proficient that you will fire snot rockets into the break room trashcan from the other side of the room. It’s a really neat party trick and a great conversation starter.

28 comments:

  1. Man, I come here to read about the brand new Defense Dept Weapon, the Secret Nano Orbital Turbo (S.N.O.T.) Rocket, and what do I get for my trroubles? An article on boogers!

    This ISAviation Week, isn't it? Or do I need to update my bookmarks?

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  2. I wish I'd read this educational post before buying a bunch of dollar gloves at Target. I could've saved myself $4.

    Will have to practice this skill, specially since it's sexy & all.

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  3. Interestingly I am lethal from the left side, but retarded from the right side...

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  4. Yikes....I hope I'm never running behind YOU!

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  5. I hope you weren't joking about this:

    "I mean, for me it just doesn't get any sexier than a sweaty runner chick blasting snot rockets on a cold winters day."

    It made me feel a lot better about the time a male runner suddenly barreled around the corner of my trail just as I was emptying my nose. So his smirk was lascivious and not mocking?

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  6. Oh! That mock-Calvin cartoon is a copyright infringement waiting to happen!

    Anyhoo, the line about little creatures eating your "breadcrumbs" made me vomit a little.

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  7. Hey, that was one misfire! I promise it has never happened to me before--or since. I'm a straight-shooter.

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  8. I am right handed left noser...is there a connection?

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  9. Wow, I thought I was the only one that had a dominant snot rocket side until I read these comments. I always try to wait until nobody's around to launch one, but now that I know it's sexy... I'll proudly blow as often as I can.

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  10. This is a good lesson. I cannot shoot snot rockets because I'm afraid of Misfiring. I do the sleeve wipe like a rookie.

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  11. This post was awesome.

    and so are snot rockets.

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  12. I always get my shoe. Always.

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  13. i think you meant, "Boogie 1 is down, I repeat, Boogie 1 is down!"

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  14. You'll probably enjoy this:

    http://www.runningandrambling.com/2008/01/snot-rocket-science.html

    Your analysis was much more concise than mine. Well done!

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  15. The worst is when you're outside doing a non-running activity with non-running people and nearly snot rocket out of habit. It's so very sexy.

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  16. I heard that doing the farmer's blow can lead to sinus infection. Seriously !!

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  17. A perfect post one day after Veterans Day! As your blogland military advisor, I must say that the science and application of accurate S.N.O.T rocket projectiles is consistently being studied. Some day, we hope to be able to allow even the newest private in a cold weather formation to target his missile through ranks of higher ranking sergeants and safely hit outside the formation with no "blue on blue" incidents. (We no longer use the term "friendly fire" as fire isn't friendly.)

    In cold weather, I prefer the back of the glove right behind the thumb to be used for low-grade nasal mop up, and the "knife edge" near the "pinkie" finger or the crook of the elbow on a long sleeve shirt to be used for any brow sweat. I'm pretty good at using an opposite hand for these tasks, also.


    As for cyclists, I have nearly been killed in numerous ride-bys, as well as by golfers trying to make T-time. I automatically target these enemies to my run when given the chance. "Revenge ... is a dish served cold!" ("Khan!!!") Or in my Captains Log, a dish served extra gooey in cold weather.

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  18. I've never successfully performed a snot rocket...It's about time someone shed some light on it! I've come very close to being covered in others' snot rockets though :)

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  19. Wow. That post was informative. I'll have to try that on the next run I do. I haven't been able to do it. I always get it all over myself:)
    haha.

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  20. I just got hit by one at my last triathlon. Not pretty at all.

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  21. A man after my own heart.

    You should try it while suffering from a massive hit of hayfever (it's springtime here). Will put your little pocket missiles to shame...!

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  22. Hmmm...I'm going to have to leave this one to the experts...I can't even spit without coming to a dead stop and leaning over so as to not drool all over myself...I'm jealous. I'm forever bound to a travel pack of Kleenex. :(

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  23. Thanks for the tips. Should I be ashamed that I've never fired a "snot rocket" in my life? Seems like some sort of right of passage or something...

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  24. I can snot-rocket while running. Now spitting...that's a whole other story...

    Thanks for the back of the sleeve reminder. Beginning of the snot season, that one always gets me.

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  25. Is it sad that I've always wanted to know how to do that? Not that I'm going to try. It would be a total disaster.

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  26. You tips for what to do on a long run when your legs are dead are going to come in handy. Thanks!

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  27. Wow, you're a pro. But can you shoot a precision snot, pat your head and rub your tummy at the same time?

    If you say yes, we'll all know you're full of it. Actually, even if you don't say yes...thanks for the laugh!

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