Thursday, October 30, 2008

An Open Letter of Apology

During the last three and a half years that I have been a runner, I have occasionally found times for careful introspection. Recently in one of these introspective moments I looked deep into my soul and I found a fault. Not a substantial fault, but rather, some minor ugliness that wasn’t easily brushed aside by my typically aloof conscience. It gnawed at me for a good thirty seconds before I realized that the ugliness occurred in a public setting and it should be dealt with and apologized for in the same manner. The ugliness of which I speak? Peeing during my long runs.

To the two gentlemen building a swing set in their back yard who witnessed me peeing in the park, I apologize. It was unfortunate that I did not notice you before I started peeing and even more unfortunate that you DID notice me. Next time I shan’t whistle while I work so you’ll be less likely to spot me. Furthermore, I apologize to anyone who used the slide at the park later that day.

To the little girl in pigtails who was riding her bike and saw me peeing on that tree, I apologize. Ringing your bell and pedaling faster won’t make that memory go away. I apologize to you and to your parents who will have to deal with the emotional scarring and the therapy sessions.

To my fellow runner who saw me trying to dry the pee stain on the front of my shorts by vigorously rubbing the crotch, I apologize. It didn’t immediately occur to me how that must have looked to you, but rest assured I was trying to avoid embarrassment by drying the front of my pants, I was not ‘doing myself a favor’ as you succinctly put it.

To the elderly couple who saw me peeing off the side of the footbridge, I apologize, even though I’m sure you don’t think it necessary. Surely, no one understands better than the elderly that sometimes you can’t hold it any longer. Thank you for your understanding, and for averting your eyes.

To the female cyclist who startled me as I peed crouching behind a bush, I apologize. My remark for you to “take a picture it will last longer” was totally uncalled for and simply a knee jerk response to you seeing me peeing.

To the woman walking her dog downwind from where I was peeing, I apologize. It was unfortunate and completely unintentional that your Basset Hound took a direct hit and although I’m quite certain that he’s peed on my mailbox and deserved it, I was unaware that the wind could push the sprayback that far across the path.

To the owner of the lovely house that is situated at mile 7 of my favorite running trail, I apologize for the sorry state of the flowers that are now all but dead. It is an unfortunate coincidence that I always feel the need to pee when I run past your backyard and I assure you that it is in no way connected to the Yankees windsock that hangs on your porch. I apologize if I’ve caused you to question your gardening skills and assure you that there really isn’t anything wrong with the soil in that particular window box.

To the owner of the Ford Truck that is always parked half way up the curb on Reed Street, I apologize. You may have found yourself stepping in a puddle when entering or exiting your vehicle. There’s something about seeing Calvin peeing on a Chevy logo that reminds me that I need to go too.

To the first golfer to retrieve his ball from the hole on the 14th green I do apologize. The green is so nicely secluded among the trees and I can’t explain why it’s so much fun to pee into the cup while yelling “hole in one!” I apologize for my immaturity, I’ll try to grow up, and I’m sorry about the way your ball smells for the remainder of your round.

To the losers skateboarders who like to smoke pot and cigarettes while sitting around the big oak tree just off the school grounds, I apologize. You may have recently taken a seat and found it to be a little damp in spite of the recent lack of rain. I hope that having your pants so low helped you to notice it was wet sooner than someone with a regular waistline might have noticed. At least you’ve got that going for you, also please take this into consideration before deciding to re-use any of the old butts around the base of the tree, though this should really go without saying.

To the young boys who were unfortunate enough to witness me performing a range and targeting test on a warm evening in June, I apologize. In the future I’ll be sure the area is clear before commencing a weapons test. I also apologize to their parents who will no doubt be forced to clean up after they try their own weapons test, but let’s face it, they were going to think of it at some point anyway.

To the brave firemen who drove past me while I was peeing on a hydrant, I apologize. I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about. I also apologize for signaling for you to sound the horn and shouting “I bet you’ve never seen a hose this big before!” It was completely uncalled for and I fully intend to wash off that hydrant before you need to use it again. I’ll let you know when I get around to it.

To anyone on the Denver Half Marathon course in 2007 who was desperate enough for hydration to pick up a used Gatorade cup from under the tree in the park, I apologize. It may have once been Gatorade, it was in me, but it had to come out.

To the cute blond running in the black skirt and pink tank top, I apologize. I know it’s too late now, but I instantly regretted saying “how YOU doin’?” when you saw me peeing behind that park bench.

To the entire Eagle Creek Elementary School who caught me on the field making a creek on their eagle, I apologize. I had no idea that you were about to come out for recess and I was not able to stop midstream. When does school get out for Winter Break anyway?

Finally, to my shoes, who always find themselves situated in the splash zone, I apologize.

32 comments:

  1. Quite funny, V-Funk. (Can I call you V-Funk? V-Shizzle?)

    My issues are of the "deuce" variety. I don't run into problems watering the landscaping so much as I find myself 35% into a long run with a sudden urge to "read the New York Times Sunday edition," if you catch my drift. I cannot tell you how many training hours I have spent debating with myself over whether I should/shouldn't drop one behind a bush, how horrible it would really be since I didn't have TP, and what [dear God] would I do if I got caught? Dropping a load in public might be all the rage in France, but in America that can get you a one-way trip to Gitmo. But it's like the non-stop jostling shakes loose every Baconator and meatball sub I have ever eaten. More reliable than Ex-Lax.

    Dogs have it so easy.

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  2. Is there anywhere in the state of Colorado where you HAVEN'T marked territory?

    Very funny post!

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  3. Great read!! and so so true!

    E

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  4. You seem to be full of piss and wind. This does not shock me.

    Btw, I laughed out loud in a very quiet library while reading the fire hydrant one.

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  5. ROFLMAO! Good post!

    I so envy men with the peeing business. As Wes would say "The whole world is your toilet" :P

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  6. I agree with Marcy - I envy that you have the opportunity to write about your peeing excursions. Mine involve running into restaurants, coffee shops, nasty construction workers porta-potties ... and frequently cutting my run short and making a beeline for home. At least you CAN pee in public and have the added excitement of an unexpected audience.

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  7. TMI WARNING...
    I don't bother myself with the 'bathroom' just a bush... you just have to be a little more careful than the guys :) don't want to add minutes to my run!

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  8. The wet shoes are karmic payback, you know.

    Awesome post. You're not a real runner until you've peed in public and not cared one bit.

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  9. "IF"

    If you can pee without a stop whilst racing in the sun
    If you can whip it, unashamed, right out while on a run
    If all of this you'll do and beg no leave of girl or fella

    THEN ... and only then ... are you A RUNNER, Sir Vanilla.

    (Translated from the Sanscrit)

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  10. I'm with Candis, and this is one of those issues on which I think it's so important for spouses to agree. I need someone to whistle a warning when I'm squatting behind a van when the driver suddenly appears and begins walking toward it; he needs a friendly witness in court when he's been arrested for indecent exposure.

    Very, very funny post!

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  11. It's important that you go when you have the urge. If you don't, you could get Uromysitisis poisoning and die. Die. It's not worth dying for.

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  12. Too funny!

    Congratulations on being so well-hydrated :)

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  13. Love it! I need to start peeing when I run. Might be more difficult for me than you, but I've had practice from peeing in parking lots while drunk.

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  14. I pee at the golf course while I am golfing every time.

    Im pretty skilled though, havent been caught yet.

    You really gotta try to just be one with nature.

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  15. Written like a true runner. I could list off several places that I have "marked". And to make it worse I tend to make it known to my wife as we drive around town what places I have marked for her. She just doesn't understand.

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  16. I'm envisioning the entire state of Colorado saturated in Vanilla's piss. If I ever find myself there, I'm not touching anything. Congratulations on being so moist.

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  17. At least urine is sterile... Or so I'm told.

    I kept waiting for the apology to your blog readers for telling us a little too much about yourself!

    As Neil Young said, "You're all just pissing in the wind. You don't know it, but you are."

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  18. Better add an apology to my office chair (and the carpet) for making me laugh so hard I peed while reading this post.

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  19. great, now i have to think twice before putting my daughter on a slide! and i thought it was just in the pool. i must admit, i thought i had to go a lot, but you are my superior. alas, i seem to take issue not with #1 or #2, but #3, if ya know what i mean. something about the bouncing. i was caught by an eigth grade p.e. class with the #1, though. good stuff. i'm glad (sob)...that i'm not alone!

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  20. Too funny!

    Glad you got this off your chest. It must have been weighing down down so much!

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  21. This had to be the funniest thing I've read in the last about 20 blog rolls.

    Hilarious! You got me laughing at work. (good, but bad job!)

    Glad you apologized and feel so badly about your MANY, MANY escapades and what happened to be in your path!

    So funny!

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  22. That was a great post. Reminds me of many, many runs I have had.

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  23. LMAO!!!! Guys are so lucky.

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  24. Goodness, you've whizzed all over the place!

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  25. LOL... great post. Men have it so much easier. thx for the laugh!

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  26. Dude! Cut back on the fluids a little. :-)

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  27. As Patches O'houlihan said in the movie Dodgeball:
    "Do I have to drink my own pee? No, but I do anyway, because it's sterile and I like the taste!"

    Thanks for the Gatorade bottle comment. I'll never be able to pick up my half-downed bottle, left on the side of the track for more than two laps and slowly getting warmer again.

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  28. You crack me up dude!!

    This is a great post....

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  29. so unfair! I have to go even more often than you...only with so much more difficulty! At least you can accomplish this without being obscene....women caught in the act are not only being disgusting, but flashing everyone in sight...someone really needs to develop some sort of system.... :)

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  30. You've guilted me -- I feel compelled to apologize to everyone who will drink the 2007 Lynch-Bages and Larouse Trintauden bordeaux wines. I helped "water" the vines during the Marathon du Medoc. But it's not my fault -- race organizers felt no need to provide port-o-potties!

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  31. Can't you just hold it? (Not literally)

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