Friday, August 22, 2008

Delicious Sesame Chicken to Blame for Dropped Batons

Drop it like it’s hot.

As you have probably heard by now both the men’s and women’s US 4x100m relay teams dropped the batons in the semi-finals at the Olympics. Many of the pundits have looked at the tapes and tried to figure out where the mistakes were made and what was to blame for the Americans raging case of the dropsies. What has gone unreported until now is the underhanded tactics that were employed by the seedy underbelly of the Chinese Olympic committee.

The shocking truth that I am about to expose was relayed to me by confidential sources (like a friend of a friend and anonymous e-mailers so you know it’s totally true), and could cost me life imprisonment or even death should I ever go to China.

As the US men’s relay team tried to focus on their upcoming semi-final in a locker room under the Bird’s Nest stadium, they were startled by a knock on the door. A young Chinese girl, no more than 13 years of age entered with a special delivery, a large bowl of sesame chicken and 4 pairs of chopsticks. The athletes, suspicious at first decided to leave it alone, but the smell was too tempting. Unable to operate the chopsticks provided, the men dug in with their fingers unsuspecting that the cunning and Machiavellian Chinese Olympic committee had turned off the water in the US locker room, leaving them unable to wash their hands.

The rest, as they say, is history. It’s hard enough to pass a baton with clean hands. When your hands are slick with sesame chicken residue it’s all but impossible. The devious scheming didn’t stop with the men’s relay team either, as the slippery, sesame chicken baton was then given to the US women to use in their heat too. Two birds taken out with one stone, actually three birds if you count the chicken, or believe that it was really chicken.

When reached for comment Tyson Gay was upbeat. “The joke’s on them,” Gay said, “because that was the best sesame chicken that I’ve ever had. You get to compete for Olympic medals every 4 years. You only get sesame chicken like that once in a lifetime. It was that good.” Gay went on to add that it didn't really matter because he “didn’t think we were going to beat Usain Bolt and the Jamaican team in the finals.” When asked whether he was worried about a similar situation cropping up in London 2012 Gay told reporters that he didn’t see it as a problem because “British cuisine sucks.”

17 comments:

  1. The only thing I see in your story that makes me doubt the validity is your reference to the young Chinese girl being no more than 13 years of age. Your story would be much stronger had you verified her age with government officials ;)

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  2. Scandalous!

    You'd think that the Chinese would have figured out the fork by now. They're all into efficiency, right?

    Have a good weekend.

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  3. well, they were running in the BIRD's NEST, for pete's sake.

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  4. The part that makes me truly ashamed to be an American is the sheer accuracy of that final Chinese decision to provide chopsticks.

    I heard one official was arguing that they should leave out the utensils entirely "just in case," when another laughed, "Are you kidding? Americans handle chopsticks about as well as they handle batons. Muahahaha..."

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  5. Watch out for gravy covered batons in London!

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  6. Have they considered the fish & chips? Washed down with a pint or two, and chaos may ensue!

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  7. Oh sesame chicken, how I love thee!

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  8. I love Gay's commentary.

    Now I'm hungry for some sesame chicken...

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  9. Finally! a reasonable explanation...thank you!

    (yeah, I've been lurking awhile and needed a reason to chirp in...)

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  10. Personally, I suspect the runners' surly anti-social natures might have been responsible. But the Chicken Theory will doubtless be popular with scholars and analysts for years to come.
    It sounds good. :)

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  11. Sorry, but I looked at that picture and it just...it just looks vulgar. Like his junk just fell off.

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  12. You only thought it was a young 13 Year old chinese girl. Actually she was seven and in need of braces.

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  13. "Finger lickin' good post!"

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  14. Okay, so what's the deal with the women then?

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