Thursday, July 3, 2008

On Weight Loss and Triathletes

Two quick things today.
1. It would appear that the secret to weight loss has finally been unlocked. Johnny Virgil has a post on his blog, 15 Minute Lunch, about an old book that hails from the 1930s and contains guidelines for things like pinching off the fat cells. The premise of the book is hilarious as is Johnny’s commentary on it, and I suggest you go check it out. For those of you who don’t remember, Johnny Virgil is the guy who wrote the 1970’s JC Penney Catalog post that swept through the interwebs like a bad case of venereal disease and had me peeing my pants with laughter.

2. Candis (that’s my wife for those of you who are fashionably late to the party here) has gotten this idea in her pretty little head that she’s going to do a sprint triathlon. Running is somehow no longer enough for her and I can’t help but feel like she’s kind of two-timing, nay three-timing running. I’m happy for her that she’s setting aggressive goals for herself and that she’s working hard to stay in shape because I’d really hate for people to refer to me as “that blogger with the fat wife.” I’d consider joining her in her quest to complete a triathlon if I wasn’t certain that it would end in my bloated corpse being discovered with eight gallons of pool water in my lungs. I have no desire whatsoever to attempt a triathlon.

Yesterday I arrived back at our house after a 6 mile run and began the usual practice of reading off my split times to Candis. This is usually where Candis strokes my ego and tells me how impressive they are and how manly I am. Without this charade my sense of self worth goes right down the crapper. Yesterday was different. “Is that all you’re doing?” Candis asked.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you’re ONLY running today? Because I ran AND swam today.” And just like that she stripmined my self-worth and left me the cavernous empty shell of a man that sits here typing this entry. Unfortunately I couldn’t think of a good comeback, and that’s where I need your help. I really hate to keep cutting her off in the bedroom, because no one should be forced to go without some Vanilla-love for an extended period of time. That’s just cruel and unusual punishment and to be honest it’s no fun for me either. So I need your suggestions on how I should respond to these new taunts and this new perceived feeling of superiority. Hey, I’m no dummy. I saw Sleeping with the Enemy and I know what happens when wives start taking swimming lessons.


  1. Sorry Vanilla I can't criticize the wife. Wives are ALWAYS right :P But you can hang in loserdom with me, since I doubt I will ever go the tri route LOL

  2. I say take up a woman hobby like knitting or scrapbooking. Get really good at it and show off to her friends. She'll quit tri-ing so she can outdo you.
    It'll work.

  3. Sign up for a marathon already!

    Have a fine holiday weekend!

  4. First...LOL...Sylvia is awesome. Second, good for Candis. You'll be out there swimmin' and bikin' just to catch up to her. Oh, and just think, now she gets to buy new swimwear, a new bike, new biking work out clothes,'s endless.

  5. Looks like your only choice to Tri...or live with the taunts of how you are far inferior because you just ran 10 miles...

  6. Didja ever think that it's cruel and unusual for US to hear about said Vanilla Love? Huh?

    I say ya show her who's her who wears the pants in the family....and then challenge her to a fistfight. No wait, a duel at 10 paces.

    Happy 4th!

  7. You can't compete with that... she wins. If you can't beat em...


  8. Vanilla, I have a friend who does the Hometown Water Boy every year, but she won't even put her face in the water.

    She's Esther Williams doing the "I won't mess my makeup or my hair" sidestroke back & forth across the pool.

    I love her dearly, but dang it's a lot of cheering while she slowly yet gracefully and attractively strokes through the pool.

    How can I do the strikethrough font? I have font envy. :(

  9. Personally, I think Candis should just sign you up. That's what I did to my husband. He's finally talking to me now ... a year after the fact. Actually, now, he's sort of thinking about doing another one.

    He hated me at the time, but as soon as I handed him a post-race beer (at 9:30 a.m.), he started to get over it. Even though I beat him by a lot. So, basically, Candis, sign him up!

  10. As Yoda said to Luke Skywalker, Do or do not. There is no "tri"

    Mind you, if Vanilla said that to Wife Candis, he might find that Do or do not... you're in the doo doo.

    Be warned.

  11. I think your wife just baked you a pie barefoot in the kitchen---a big serving of humble pie, served with a dollop of whoopass. Way to go, Candis.

  12. Running is for those who are able to focus and persevere. Sprint Triathalons on the other hand are for those people short attention spans! That's my theory and I am sticking to it.

  13. So, Candis can be that "lazy blogger's kick ass wife"!

  14. I ran and swam aannnddd biked today.

    beat that.

    i'm lying really. I took the dog for a walk.

  15. obviously not getting much help here. maybe nitmos will have something helpful. otherwise, you're screwed.

  16. Sorry, no help can be offered. After all, women are the stronger sex! With or without the Vanilla-love!

    Great post... I laughed my butt right out the door to my run/core work out/ swim...

  17. Buy her chocolate...a whole box of em, apologize, say she is right, then bake her a cake, tell her you're sorry and that she is right, then buy her doughnuts, followed by a card that says you can't stop thinking about how wonderful she is, followed by her favorite pie with flowers that tell her how important she is to you, then take her to her favorite restaruant and order double for her with all that in a week, watch her eat all that, then challenge her to a sprint on the following week.
    You will have your moment of gloating...enjoy it.


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