Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Set Bowels to Liquefy

Well, there’s no other way to put it: I’ve got the squirts. Actually I suppose there might be another way to put it, a more polished way of letting you all know that my excrement flows from my posterior like my prose flows onto the page, but that just wouldn’t be my style. It also begs the question of why I felt the need to let you all know about the fluidity of my bowel movements and the answer is two-fold like my wallet.
  1. It pertains to my upcoming race because I’ve dropped two pounds in the last 24 hours which can only help me accomplish my goal in my upcoming 10K right? Less weight to carry = faster race. If I can stay sick right up until Sunday then I might lose 12-15 lbs. Score!
  2. It makes for a fantastic excuse if I don’t make my 50 minute goal. Pay attention all of you who are rookie runners, you can learn from this. I set my goal in yesterday’s post, and in today’s post I am already preparing my excuses in case I fail. I have upper management written all over me.

Well that’s all for today because I’ve got to go. I mean I really have to go, I feel a fart coming on and that’s far too dangerous an endeavor to attempt unless I’m seated on the throne.

Warning: This post contains some disturbing mental images and probably should not be read during lunchtime.

Note: The above warning should be read before reading the rest of the post.

18 comments:

  1. Wow.

    I didn't know you had a two-fold wallet.

    The other stuff I could give a shit about. Get it? Huh?

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  2. Tilt forward and let'er rip! Consider it Turbo Boost.

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  3. Something stinks in Suburbia and now we know it's you.

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  4. Thanks to Viper I now have a hilarious yet horrific mental picture of you during the Bolder Boulder. I think I could have lived without that, but thanks.

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  5. Your post was just read by a woman who calls "fartleks" "frolics" because I can't say the first half of that word out loud. I need a shower now.

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  6. Dude I am so sorry. If all else fails, invest in some Depends. Might have a little chaffing/crunchy noise going on there, but it will save you from embarrassment LOL

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  7. You are gross!

    b.t.w. warnings go at the beginning- too late!

    I have to go Clorox the house...
    (almost spelled it wrong- shows how much I use it :))

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  8. Way to put a positive spin on things, V. Hope you're feeling better before race day.

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  9. At least you found your silver lining in the toilet bowl.

    Definitely upper management - you planning on a run for president soon??
    ~K

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  10. Somehow I feel like I was just used as virtual toilet paper.

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  11. That was a shitty post.

    ...

    Wow, did I actually just write that? I really need to improve my material.

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  12. That was more than I ever needed to know.

    But hey Marcy's idea is great if you're still sick come race day.

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  13. Two fold, like my wallet is my favorite part. You are a loon fo sho.

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  14. At least you haven't stooped to posting your goals in the same post as your excuses. Not that I've done that or anything...

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  15. the flash. because it hits you and then is gonnneee

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  16. Oh, homie, there's no one more sympathetic than I to the problem of the chocolate shotgun. You've read my post where I pooped myself, right? Yeah...

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  17. Man, I just found your blog and this is my introduction!!! LOL

    Ahem! Sorry, a little unsympathetic laugh. I know how you feel, more often than the world needs to know.

    Does it help with "personal bests?"

    I'll be back! :)

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  18. dude. dude. funniest poop story ever.

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