Monday, March 10, 2008

Wanted: Evil Arch Nemesis

I linked to J-Money’s post about her arch nemesis in my previous Weekend Splits post and then Nancy mentioned in the comments that I needed one. You know what? She’s right. I do need an Evil Arch Nemesis. If you’re thinking that I’m just plain stealing J-Money’s idea for this post then maybe you should apply for the position, because that’s exactly the kind of jerkish thing my Evil Arch Nemesis would think.

This position will be responsible for taunting and sneering at my training runs in a manner that will provide me with the utmost motivation to train harder. Accordingly the ideal candidate will have excellent verbal and written communication skills and will be able to fling a sarcastic barb without remorse. In order to be effective as my Evil Arch Nemesis you will need to be at least as fast as I am and you should be posting race results that are often faster than mine. (I hate you already.)

Candidates will be required to read Half-Fast regularly and leave deriding remarks in the comments. Additionally, applicants should feel free to be creative in ridiculing my race results in venues outside of the comments section.

Applicants should be detail oriented and must be able to work well under minimal supervision. Blueprints for total world domination will not be provided so candidates must have experience with creating their own evil schemes. Applicants should be thick skinned since insults are likely to be returned, also applicant should not be easily offended by phrases like “I know you are but what am I,” or “Your Momma!”

You will be required to provide your own assistant, extra consideration will be given to applicants who have midget’s or evil henchmen for assistants.

Travel Requirements: 0%
Salary: $0
Benefits: none
Status: full time

Required Skills
  • Candidate must have 2+ years experience as a successful Evil Arch Nemesis. Candidates with a proven track record of evil will be given priority.
  • Quick and creative wit
  • Must be handy with a laser beam
  • Evil laugh (Mwwaaa haaaa haaaaa!)
  • Sarcasm

Preferred Traits

  • Handlebar mustache
  • Monocle
  • Freaky abnormality (3rd nipple, scar over eye, affinity for gold etc.)
  • Anyone who owns sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads is a shoe in.

Half-Fast is an Equal Opportunity Employer


  1. Awwwwhhhhhh daayyummm! I totally wish I could be your Nemesis but I'm battling with mine as we speak *cough* *cough* Java Lava Ding Dong Lisa *cough*

  2. Man, don't you have parents? Mine don't run, but they seem to do the job pretty well. Plus, sometimes they even pay ME for the pleasure of eliciting my guilt and shame.

  3. See how evil my Nemesis is? I was just coming to post that my Nemesis uses all of my resources and I SEE SHE WAS ALREADY HERE. Blasted.

  4. I'd love to help you out but I am not fast enough and I have my hands full with Scott. :D

    I nominate Nitmos. He's fast and he's witty.

  5. Half-Fast because you are only half of a man and can only do a half marathon? Why I have half a mind to...

    Crap, no handle bar mustache. Disregard...

  6. I'm too afraid of you to torment least to your face.

  7. Although I'm quite good at being nasty to people (see my last race report), I'm only good at doing it in my head. I would feel really bad doing it to someone's face. Ah, Catholic guilt...

    Besides, I don't think my teasing would really work since you're a heck of a lot faster than me.

  8. I am not qualified. I am voting on Jess.

  9. Damn, I am too slow to be your arch nemesis. Maybe you are mine? Nah, you'd have to be female and skinny.

    Re: your tag. What is the plural of "nemesis" anyways? Nemeses? I know I'll lose sleep about it...

  10. Damn, I am too slow to be your arch nemesis. Maybe you are mine? Nah, you'd have to be female and skinny.

    Re: your tag. What is the plural of "nemesis" anyways? Nemeses? I know I'll lose sleep about it...

  11. well, i'm quick on the sarcasm, open to ridiculing people i don't know, run faster than most people on less training, have a crazy mustache in my blogger picture and am available if nobody else steps up.

  12. I can not accept Nancy's nomination despite the fact that your half marathon time is laughable (did you walk it?) and your blog gives off the faint odor of moldy cheese.

  13. LOL thanks Vanilla! Right after you posted that I saw it. The first layout I used didn't have it and now I guess it does. DOH! I'm a moron :P

  14. This job sounds like it would get tedious really quick.

  15. If I was fast, i would be so good, except I'm better IRL, than here & you're like across the country---

    I'm gonna vote for Kyle, unless Jess wants to step up....

    I would also like to throw your Wife in the ring, as she probly could out scheme & out wit you (Xmas gun fight--getting G on her side & more), Plus, how fun would that be to just rag on your DH AT HIS REQUEST!!!!!! That would be the best non-payign job EVA!!!!

    Kyle does have the mustache & some seriously crazy wild hair goin’ on & that should count as much if not more than a 3rd nipple.

  16. I'll throw my shoe in. "Honestly, who throws a shoe?"

    Are the salary and bennies negotiable? My evil lair doesn't just maintain itself.

  17. Hmmm... Full-time, huh? Ah, the banality of evil knows no time limit...

    I DO have a moustache (regrettably, not of the handlebar variety), plus more than a touch of sarcasm. And perhaps faster on the road. No 'sharks with frickin' laser beams', though. Are you accepting applicants as interns?

    So your E.A.N. needs a required skillset? What does that require of YOU? See, the evil caps lock is being used already...

    Enough already. Maybe we can all audition 'Apprentice'-style, and get voted off Evil Nemeis Island or something. And cry on camera, when real evil rears its pretty little head...

  18. Well, you're in luck. I majored in Laser Beams!

  19. OK - I'm too slow, and just too nice, but I DO have the benefit of knowing and adhering to the new & improved Evil Arch Nemesis (or Evil Overlord) guidebook. I wouldn't fall for the lame-o tricks that most heroes pull on their Nemesis. No! I would not monologue - I would get straight to the point, not allowing you any time to escape or come up with any way to defeat...... heck. I just did it.

    Back to studying the Evil Overlord list.


  20. Hi Half Fast,

    Please keep me in mind as a back up, in case you decide to lower your ego about being made fun of by someone who is slower than you, with just 2-3 months experience.

    Best wishes in your search,

  21. i found you through sister skinny. you are funny and have therefore made the cut to my google reader list.

    i am now going to stalk you. but not in the weird way. is that weird?

  22. ps... did you know that if you say "half fast" real fast it sounds like half assed??

  23. Bah. You don't need an Arch Nemesis, certainly not on a full time basis. I'll deign to deride and riducule you for free in my spare time.


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