Thursday, November 1, 2007

A New Toy, Almost

After work on Tuesday night I went out with my family to purchase a Garmin Forerunner because quite frankly, I deserve one. I have been contemplating buying one for some time now and I received a gift card to Road Runner Sports for my birthday so I planned on using that to pay for the new toy.

There are very few things in this universe that I don’t understand, but among them are the following: Why Monday Night Football hates my eardrums (see commentators Tony Kornheiser, Joe Theismann, Dennis Miller, etc.) Why people are paying upwards of $2,000 for tickets to see Hannah Montana. Why anyone feels that it’s OK to converse with me while we stand exposed at the urinals. And finally, why my kids lose all perspective of what constitutes socially acceptable behavior the instant we enter any sporting goods store. It figures that the one store that I don’t mind going shopping in is the one store where my kids become devil-children, or los niƱos del Diablo for those of you south of the border.

Tuesday night was no different. The over-eager sales associate came over to offer us assistance and while I was explaining what I was looking for, my oldest son was tugging on my hand demanding I remove his coat. The sales associate, whose name was Tom, glanced nervously at my kids and then back at me as if to say ‘I really don’t like kids very much.’ I hate it when people act like this when I’m with my kids. ‘Hey Tom, guess what? I don’t like them very much either but at least I possess the decorum to not show it in front of them!’

Tom quickly shows me to the Garmins and then leaves just as quickly. In what would turn out to be a horrendous mistake I remove the 4-year-old’s jacket which leads to me also removing the 2-year-old’s jacket, and I turn my attention to the Garmins. Not thirty seconds later a fight breaks out in women’s apparel in which jackets are being used like nunchucks. My wife and I separate the pair and she ties their jackets around their waists after declining my more radical idea of tying them around their necks.

I go back to looking at Garmins, debating if I want the one with the heart rate monitor or the cheaper one without the heart rate monitor. Cheaper wins out and I try it on to see how it feels. Somewhere on the other side of the store a jacket takes flight. I'm guessing by the size of it that it wasn't the sales associate’s jacket and I can tell from the trajectory that it was launched from somewhere around 2 feet above ground level.

My wife and I decide to divide and conquer. I take the youngest boy to one side of the store and she takes the oldest to the other side. This is a great strategy if you can put up with the downside: Going out with your wife and not ever seeing her because you’re afraid of the consequences of uniting the Gatekeeper and the Keymaster. This is also why I won’t be having any more children. We currently have two, which means that we can still play man to man defense against them. When the third child arrives you have to switch to zone defense and it’s just not as effective.

Having settled things down, and after re-hanging countless shirts, shorts and socks back on the rack I headed to the cash register with my new Garmin. Well worth the hassle we’d endured. Unfortunately the gift card didn’t work, and Tom would have to... blah, blah, blah, -long list of excuses that don’t make any sense to me-... and long story short, I’ll have to order it online. This means that our pilgrimage to the running store was completely futile other than to raise my blood pressure a few degrees and cause me to sound like my father. “Don’t touch that!” “Put that back!” “Stop playing with that!” “No yelling!” “No running!”


  1. I keep preaching the wonders of the dog cage. It's a most excellent device when the kids get out of hand :P (Kidding Mr/Mrs CPS!)

    You DO deserve a Garmin!! And a free one after that nonsense with the kids LOL

  2. Hahaha. Nice post. I promise you will love your Garmin! I have the HR version and haven't been the same since I bought it. It's also fun trying to explain why you have a "tv" on your wrist to non-runners. No, seriously. A dude in Starbucks asked me if that was so I could watch TV when I ran.

  3. This post is the best form of birth control.

  4. has the 305 for 217.86 and I believe you can still get a $50 rebate too. go to my blog and look for the gps label for the coupon. that way you can use the giftcard for other running stuff.

    I still remember making my son take a time out next to the magazines at the grocery store. It was a win win.

  5. Thanks Pat. I'll check that out.

  6. Yeah me and the wife planned on only having two. Well after the first one we were blessed with twins. So we quickly had to learn how to play zone.

    As always Vanilla very funny stuff.

  7. Good luck with your garmin.
    It's a great device. Amazon is a good place to order from online if you can't find any other retailers.

  8. That is hilarious. I mean, probably was fun for you two, but for your readers, that was funny. "The gatekeeper and keymaster"! Ah, you slay me.

  9. That's good stuff.

    I plan on being a Gramin holdout indefinately.


  10. Oh crap. That was one funny post. Like every word was cracking me up.
    And I agree with you on sporting goods stores, James gets crazy, too.

  11. Welcome to my world.

    Definitely check out the amazon deal, that's how hubby got his and quit using mine!!

  12. You are gonna love the Garmin. Garmin good - Garmin real good! Ditto on checking out Amazon.

  13. definitely check out amazon, best prices i have found...also splurge and get the 305! it allows another level of anal retentiveness...err...focused training.

    at least road runner sports doesn't have a rock climbing wall like the sporting goods store that i brought my 3 year old to!!!! 'nuff said on that one.

  14. "Don't make me come back there."

    Let us know your thoughts on the Garmen. Just too complicated for me. I can barely work my watch.

  15. Awesome blog! I can relate. Something similar happened to me the other day, but it involved new running shoes.

  16. I have been using Garmin Forerunner 201. Ive been using it for 2 years and you can download this gadget to your computer and also use Google Earth. I cannot give up this kind of toy!
    Your blog rocks! Really cracked me up with huge laughter!

  17. Too funny!

    I love my Garmin! I bought the one without the HR monitor.

  18. People really talk at are weird. You know if you posted more statements like that there wouldn't be gender confusion.

    Anyhow, thus far I've been too cheap to buy a garmin, but boy they sound pretty tempting and the more I hear...well let's hope i get a nice bonus for christmas.


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