Thursday, September 27, 2007

The Treadmill Manifesto

I made a comment in my last post about breaking the cardinal rule of treadmill running, and it got me to thinking that we really should have a set of rules or at the very least guidelines for proper treadmill use. They could help prevent situations like the one in the following video. Normally I'm a big fan of stupidity being rewarded with pain but the treadmill in this video pantsed the kid first, and then threw him off. (Yes, it is a different video from the one in the last post).

That's just uncalled for.

With my recent near disaster and videos like the one above in mind, I decided to put together a list of tips and guidelines for you to use to ensure a safe treadmilling experience. And yes, I am aware that I just verbed that noun. Remember, many of you do not have ninja quick, cat-like reflexes and the gracefulness of a swan like I do so these guidelines are for your benefit.

The Treadmill Manifesto
Vanilla's tips and tricks for proper treadmill use

  • Do not run on a treadmill. Go outside instead.
  • Should you find yourself in a situation where you think it would be better to run on a treadmill, please refer back to rule #1.
  • Do not face the treadmill away from the wall. Proper treadmill placement is key. Remember it is better to be flung free and clear of the treadmill than it is to be pinned against the wall while the belt gently exfoliates the skin from your thighs. Gently like a chainsaw.
  • No, you should not see if you can run on it at the highest speed setting. I like to call that setting "moron speed."
  • When you fall off, if anyone saw you, be sure to act like nothing happened. Maybe even do it a couple more times just to spite them.
  • One person at a time on the treadmill.
  • Do not use a treadmill if you are being filmed. Have you ever seen a video of someone using a treadmill that didn't end painfully? Video cameras cause malfunctions.
  • Do not use the safety-key/killswitch. This is for pansies and klutzes and using it signifies to everyone around that you are one.
  • Do not attempt to mount it while it is moving. Actually this rule will also do you right in many other situations outside of treadmilling. (I'm going to do my best to make that a common expression, my job will be complete when a writer uses 'treadmill' as a verb in Runner's World magazine.)
  • No jumping on the treadmill. No hopping, no skipping, no leaping & bounding, no hurdling, no dancing, and no sashaying. Not ever. Not under any circumstances. Only use the treadmill for running or walking.
  • Finally, should you choose to ignore any of these rules you may do so only under the camcorder exemption. Under this exemption you film yourself and then share your inevitable demise with the rest of us.

There you have it, my Treadmill Manifesto. I wonder how many bloggers we need to ratify these rules before we can officially proclaim them the Treadmilling Constitution? I’m taking up the cause because YouTube is just chock full of this kind of stupidity.


  1. The only time I use a treadmill is at the gym. Definitely need to post this declaration in the shower.
    The way I look at it - the faster I go the sooner I can get off!
    Great post!

  2. My husband likes to walk fast on the treadmill while playing Guitar Hero. I am just waiting for the disaster to unfold...

    Another good one is to wear the least amt of clothing available, because attempting to remove clothing while on a treadmill is not a good idea at all.

  3. I ike the first one. I'll follow that.

  4. No sashaying on the TM?! Darn it!

    Ok, this post was AWESOME! I'm Crrrrracking up!

  5. I'm following rule number 1... you didn't say what we had to do outside, just to go outside. I can do that.

    Also it would be "end" not "ended". You need an editor. I would be more than willing to quit my job and be your full time editor.

  6. I'm sorry, you must be confused. It does say "end".

    Perhaps you were thinking of a different-not-so-well-written blog?

  7. If you had an editor, perhaps you could be the proud owner of a somewhat-almost-decently-written blog.

  8. I really enjoy your blog - your posts are hilarious yet insightful. I've really enjoyed your treadmill posts. I thought of them this morning when I had a stretching/shin burned by treadmill belt incident.

  9. Good stuff. Perhaps you should add that proper treadmilling requires a belt. Apparently.

  10. Beware of listening to the soundtrack from Rocky Horror while on the treadmill. If the "jump to the left" doesn't get you, the "step to the right" will. Don't ask how I know this.

  11. Ever tried walking backwards?? Don't!

  12. I second the motion to ratify!

    (I *heart* Robert's rules!!!!)

  13. I've decided that it is much safer to run backwards out in the street than to walk backwards on the treadmill.

  14. Great rules! But we would never had so much fun if everyone followed the first two of them :-)

  15. Oh, the poor kid!!! That is a horrible mean treadmill! That's why I stay away from those evil things whenever I can. Thanks for the rules. :)

  16. Can I add a rule? Under-roos is the appropriate undergarmet while treadmill running.


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