Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Excuse me, I'm trying to pee here

Uh oh, I think I have to pee. Let's see, I've got about 6 miles left on this run, so I'm not going to make it back home. Are there any port-a-potties on my route? Yes, yes I think there is one at that park a half mile from here. I can make it. Don't think about it just keep running until you get to the park.

Finally, here's the park and right over there is... Wait... Where did the port-a-pot go? I swear that there was one here. Crap! Just keep running I guess. Perhaps I can find a tree or a bush or something. Ooh, there are some good bushes and trees by the stream in a mile and a half. Stream. Running water. Uh oh. I need to find somewhere to take a leak and I mean STAT people! This is not a drill!

Over there! Those bushes aren't really big enough but if I squat down like I'm stretching I think I could make it work. I'm going for it. Wait! There are kids over there playing soccer. Maybe they won't notice? Nope. Too risky, not to mention too hard explain what I was doing with my pants around my ankles in the bushes near the kiddies playing soccer. Good catch. Definitely not worth the risk. Keep going.

Awww man! That would be a great place to relieve myself if those cyclists weren't stopped there. Why are they stopped? Get moving! I could totally pee behind that tree if they weren't there and it's going to be a while before I find another secluded place to go.

OK, I'm in trouble. No one in the history of the world has ever needed to take a piss more than I do right now. I'm going to explode. Seriously, I think this could be dangerous to my health. Just go man, just let it go. No, you can make it.

At last, here come's a big tree up ahead. I can... no! An old couple running towards me from the other direction. It's OK. I'll just take it slowly and after they pass me I'll run down into the ditch and hydrate the tree. Smile and wave. Hello. OK... now... the coast is clear. There you go, just a quick glance to make sure the old couple isn't stopping. Oh no! They're turning around! Abort! Abort! This is their freaking turnaround point?!? I can't catch a break! Quick run back up to the path. And now they're following me, probably wondering what I was doing running down to the ditch. Quick, do it again so they think it's part of your training regimen. There we go. OK, one more time down to the ditch and back up so it just looks like some kind of weird intervals or mini hill sprints or something.

Alright, I think I've lost the old couple. I'm pretty fast so they must be a ways back by now and there's a couple of trees around this bend that will provide adequate shelter for my bathroom break. Here we go. Aaaaaaannnddd go. Commence evacuation. Seriously. Let's go already, you've had to pee for 5 miles and now you're going to get stage fright? PEE ALREADY!

AHHHHHHHHHH. Relief. Well that's just great, how did I manage to splash it on my shoes? And my ankle? Gross! Oh no! I hear the old couple coming. Hurry up. HURRY UP! There we go. Quickly now, back on the trail before they see me. Down into the ditch and back up. Down into the ditch and back up. Nothing to see here folks, just doing my mini hill sprints.

Huh, what do you know. I guess the old saying is true; "You can shake it, you can squeeze it, you can bang it on a wall, but not until it's in your pants does the last drop fall!"


  1. Very, funny. I have some similar ones.

  2. Oh no! Well, I'm glad you did it in the end :) I do know how you feel!

  3. I love the interval hill training decoy move ... lmao

  4. That's the thing I envy about you men. You just point and shoot. Can't you pee on the run or something? :P Us ladies have to squat and find some foliage . It could've been worse though . . .you could've had to #2 YIKES!!

  5. Thanks for adding some laughter in my day! Just think the hours of conversation you gave to the couple who think you are some kind of freak.

    I always think of the elite marathoners who just "go" while they run. When I get in a pickle like the one you mention in your post, I always consider it, but it is the love of my shoes that hold me back.

  6. thanks for the laugh this morning. good stuff.

  7. Funny Stuff. I know all too well how you felt.

    The cyclist probably stopped to pee.

  8. Thanks for the comment the other day!

    This is just too funny... I love living in a place with a lot of cornfields. Go in a couple of rows, and you might as well be in a private port-a-potty.


Please note: If this post is more than a week old then Comment Moderation has been turned on and your comment may not show up immediately.