Thursday, April 19, 2007

That Wasn’t Me You Saw Running

No, it wasn’t me, at least not the real me. When you run past me on the trail I see you coming and I prepare myself. I lengthen my stride, I puff up my chest, I suck in my gut, I pick up my pace, I smile, I do everything I can to appear relaxed and in control, because this is easy and I’m fast. And if you're a woman... double that. I'm not even sure what it would mean to double that, but I do it, and you know why? Because I'm fast and this is easy.

How long have you run so far? Seven miles? Pssssht - I've already gone nine miles... oh... you said eleven? I said nineteen and I've got another 10 planned... and then I'll turn around and head back, because I'm fast and this is easy.

Do you see my shoes? They’re expensive, brand name running shoes, you know why? Because I’m not some amateur runner who only recently started running and has to run in his Skechers. No, I’m fast and this is easy.

Do you see my expensive runners sunglasses? You probably think that they’re just for show, but that’s because you’re not as fast as I am. When I run the bugs come at me so fast I have to wear eye protection, it’s astonishing that the State of Colorado hasn’t enacted a mandatory helmet law for me, because I’m fast and this is easy.

Do you see my technical running shirt? It’s designed to control my body temperature. Without it I would probably burst into flames. It’s also designed to wick away sweat and keep me dry, but I don’t sweat, and do you know why? Because I’m fast and this is easy.

Is that you running up ahead of me? Not for long. Now that’s you running behind me, because I’m fast and this is easy.

Riding your bike on the trail? Not me! I’m using my legs, I like the challenge and your bike looks too effortless. Are you even pedaling? Weak! Rollerblading? Weak! Walking or even worse wogging? Weak? Gliding in your Heelys? Weak, and you look beyond ridiculous at your age! None of that stuff is for me, I run. And do you know why? Because I’m fast and this is easy.

When I get back home, I’m all sweaty, I’m literally oozing testosterone from my pores and my ‘sexy’ is at dangerously high levels, my wife wants me. She thinks I’m hot. She usually takes me back to the bedroom and you know why? Because even there, I’m fast and this is easy.


  1. So It's a normal day, I'm reading my brother's blog, enjoying the writing styling's of Vanilla... and then I come to the last paragraph.. was that really necessary??
    My head explodes in 5...4...3...2..

  2. We call it the "vanity fartlek" when you increase the speed and try to look effortless just because someone you don't know is watching.

    Keep up being fast and easy!

  3. ok well that was just damn hilarious.

  4. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one that does this. :)

  5. Hilarious! i really did start running in my sketchers, at least until my shins started to hurt too much and I had to switch to my crocs. But that was like so 2 years ago now I wouldn't be caught dead in cheap shoes and loose pants.


Please note: If this post is more than a week old then Comment Moderation has been turned on and your comment may not show up immediately.